This for the most part was a great story, however, if the following ideas are taken into consideration it could be better . . .
#1 Fluency -
While there are great ideas here it flows like a list of events instead of growing like a story. To help with the fluency maybe the application of more scenic details might be in order, or maybe a little more dramatization in some of the areas i.e., when the story talks about the drive to Milwaukee. Maybe if there's some dialogue going in that part it may add to the substance of the story.
#2 View Mode -
A few times during the story the 1st person or 3rd person view mode gets confused. If the story is meant to accomodate both view modes then the transitions need some attention, but if it's only meant to be one view mode then a simple proofread will fix the errors.
Overall this is a sound rough draft, but everything has the potential to be better. Hope this helps
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